Developmental Psychology.

As I studied for my last final, which is Dev Psy, it made me think a lot. It made me scared, scared to age. Scared to reach an age where you're just old. Shivers. But as I continue on with my studies, I reach the chapter on death. Studying for this final has put a damper in my mood. I realized this, death with surely come, and one and out one will surely die. But as I continue on studying the stages of death, I cant help but be reminded of my grandpa's death. At that moment, everything was so vivid, I couldn't feel anything but sadness. Seeing the tears on others only brought more tears to my eyes. At that moment I told myself that I would never forget the man that I loved more than anything, and I promised that his death would never stop me from forgetting him. I promised myself and his soul that I would visit his grave everyday. I made so many promises to the man that I loved only to come to a point where I realized that I have broken every promise that I made to myself and to him. When he died, I had so many emotions, emotions that I cannot express in words. But as days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years, I am at this point where I almost hate myself. The tears slowly stopped, my memories of him slowly got pushed back into the back of my head, and the constant yearning slowly stopped as well. I dont remember the last time I visited his grave, its been a while, I realized I dont like going there. Its flat land where your loved ones are suppose to be, but the only thing that represents them is a plaque on the ground. I let myself forget, and I thought I was going to miss him everyday. There are times when I dont even think about my grandpa for months. For this I am sorry.
So is that what death is? Everyone you love is sad at that very moment, but as time goes on, you become nothing but a memory pushed in the back of someon'e head. Sometimes I wonder if my grandpa is mad at me, because if there was one person that wasnt suppose to forget it was suppose to be me.

In a state of confusion.

I have come to terms with myself with my physiology class. I have dropped yet another science class. I dont have the courage to tell my mom. She has so much faith in me and to tell her that i couldnt do it this semester would be like a punch to her face. I mean it makes me feel like crap on a stick i don't want to bring her down as well. It sucks cause we have a pretty honest and open relationship where i could tell her my struggles...but not this time. At this point my transcript is filled with W's. How did this come to be? I started my first 2 years of college determined to finish and had nothing but good grades. I feel so lost in a way, sometimes i think maybe nursing might not be the path that God wants me to take? But that can't possibly be, this is something that I WANT to do. I thought about it and there is absolutly nothing that i want to do with myself. I enjoy the sight of blood, i like to see people get hurt it hopes that i can help them feel better, i wouldnt mind seeing a skull cracked open or a heart transplant being taken place. BUT i struggle so much in the science classes. They are so hard and i dont want to compare myself to another bu i cant help but think "why is that person getting good grades and not me". Yes i understand that not everyone is the same, but i know for a fact that i am not weak, but these days i feel like the battles has been lost. I feel like i bring myself down way more than i have ever in my life and i just cant help it. This feeling really sucks, i need to get good grades and i need to get out of community college already. I feel like im rotting away, and i feel like i am not being productive what so ever. Honestly i wonder if i'll ever get into nursing school, competition is up the ass intense and here i am with my now whackass transcript. URgHHH frustrated to the max here folks. I dont know why i cant seem to find the strength to find myself again and have that fire to succeed! Where did it go??!

Sometimes.

Sometimes i just want to pack my bags and go somewhere far...and when i mean far i mean far. Somewhere out of the states and into another time zone. Somewhere i dont see a lot of my own people. How does Rome, Greece, Paris, Italy sound? I have no money to do that on my own, but a part of me just wants to leave anyways because when i get there, i will somehow find a way to make it through. I feel like i'm missing out on an experience that only comes once in your life. Cause as you get older...the more of that experience you slowly but surely miss out on. Im turning 21 in January...i feel like ive accomplished nothing, and the only thing ive accomplished is the fact that i can pay my bills on time. So many questions i ask myself these days only come back with one answear..."i dont know". Im tired of doing the same thing over and over again..i want fresh air to breathe and new friends to play with...different faces to encounter. Theres a whole world out there and i feel like its calling my name and waiting for me to hop on the next plane to somewhere and just leaveeeee! Maybe ive been watching too many movies..maybe im going crazy...but i want a story to tell, i want to able to say that ive been somewhere totally out of my element and had a wonderful time. I want to go to England and make friends with british accents and i want to go to Paris and kiss someone under the eiffel tower(ok that was cheesy but still a girl can dream), i want to go to Italy and have the best italian food at the crumiest italian restaurant...i want OUT of california. Im i missing out on life??

Lets be OPTIMISTIC.

So i lost a $100 today. I am so angry at myself but honestly theres nothing i can do..so yea all i have to do now is get over it... the past is the past right?? I just hope whoever took it will be using it for a good cause... maybe it will help them buy a textbook they needed.... please dont spend my money to buy drugs. I still want to believe that there are good people out there and not everyone is bad and has no heart. There are good people still out there!!!! Its better to be optimistic in situations like this cause the more pestimistic you are about it... the more its gunna eat you up inside and thats one feeling i dont want to experience. Ahhh i feel a little better now that i told myself to be optimistic...

Today is my sisters bday, we will be going to out to dinner. She is 25 now, wow... she's old..and im still young... that also made me feel a little better. Happpy bday to the quarter centurian.

Today i spent the whole day with my mom. We had mother and daughter day..something we didnt have in a while so it felt good to spend some quality time with her. As i was driving her to some place she wanted to go..she told me a very interesting story. When i was still in my mom's womb, the doctor told her that she would be having a son...ofcourse my dad was uber excited about the news..but little did they know that instead of the son that they celebrating about..it would be me..a princess:) hahah i laughed when my mom told me this because my dad had everything planned out... he would teach his "son" soccer and they even threw a $3000 party while my mom was preggers... ohhh how dissapointing..sorry dad. When i came out the doctor announced "congrats you guys had a princess"...lets just say..my dad wasnt the proudest parent out there.. haha i hate soccer. But after the that story she also told me another very interesting story. I dont know if its a korean women thing but i always hear stories of expectant mothers having special dreams about their kids. Women who will be having daughters usually dream about beautiful jewlery or plump delicious looking fruit. Well when my mom had me..she said she had a dream about being on a clean sandy beach with sparkling jewlery scattered all over the beach (uhhh mom.. hint hint) but this is where it gets super interesting..for those of you who dont know, i have a half sister whose like 29..but anyways when my mom was preggers with her she said she had this one particular dream here it goes. My mom said this " when i was pregant with your half sister i had this dream that pretty much told me the future about my kids (at this time i looked at her like she was crazy) she continues.. as i was walking down the street from home, there was a street vendor selling fake jewlery and out of curiosity i started looking at his collection (wow mom..really? fake jewlery?? it makes my skin turn green and were worth so much more..how could you?) she continues.. as i was looking at his collection i found 3 gold rings that were actually real 14K gold and those were the ones that i fell in love with but your sister's (my real sister jessica) and your was a lot different and thinner than the one from your half sister's and i woke up after that and i asked your grandmother what my dream meant and this is was she told me "looks like you'll be having 3 daughters"..and look at me now..i have 3 daughters and nothing more and nothing less". (end of story) OMG i dont know about you guys but thats pretty trippy/cool beans right??!

In conclusion, I need to pray.

So STEM members officially came back and that really made me happy. I had withdrawl syndrome from Tina Oh the most. I never really missed a friend as much as i missed Tina for the one month period that she was gone. And therefore i came to this conclusion about her, i can never not be friends with Tina. She is the nicotine to my cigarette. Love you girl.

So i IM'd eric sometime ago to just check up on him and to see how he was doing because now he is offically on his own in Thailand. What i didn't expect was for me to go so in depth about my worries with life..but hey he was willing to listen and give advice so what the hell. I think for me, school is one of my major worries, maybe its something that i may idolize without even knowing because i end up thinking about it so much. School is something that i need to finish within a certain amount of time so that i can finally start living "life". To go to University of Arizona or to not go and stay in california and go to schools here. Part of me says leave, cause its college and college experience only happens once, and on top of that im still young to go explore the world..or maybe just arizona. U of A has a really good nursing program and i can honestly see myself going there. Campus is great, and surpisingly there is diversity. I thought there were only white people in arizona but i was wrong. U OF A SCHOOL OF NURSING (quite lovely)

But im stuck, im stuck in this confused rutt. If i decide to go to arizona i know for a fact my walk with God is not going to be as good as it should be. I told eric this, i said that a part of me wants to just finish school and start living life and then come back to God when im all done with school and have my carrer set. But eric replied with something that made me think. He said something like "once people leave the church and have thing going for them then people usually dont return". I would be putting school before God and thats something i've been taught not to do. The conslusion that we came to was, my lack of prayer. My lack of faith in Him once again. I need to pray, seriously. Luckily i made his prayer list! wahoooo:)

Andddd another thing that i told him was how i wanted to go to thailand next year for stem. I remember David bass telling me about thailand and the mission work that stem does there. And somehing inside me was moved, and i had the urge to go. Only if it was that easy, I have repsonsibilities. Unfortunetly i cant just up and leave for a month and expect to come back and everything be OK. I have car payments and bills bills bills, therefore i need to work. If i miss out on work for all that time, i wont be able to pay any of my bills and my car will get repossed fershure! Anddd the conclusion we came too..i need to pray for this if i really want to go. I honestly think God is trying to tell me that i need to pray.

Uh-ohhh I think i'm addicted

No im not addicted to drugs, but addicted to buying things all the time. I get bored, i ask myself what i could possibly do to make time go by a little faster. Two things come to my mind usually..A) rent a movie and just vegggg out or B) go to the mall and just "eye shop" or go to Target and buy something "useful". I usually choose option B.. if i decide to go to target i make a checklist on things that i might need in the future..for example i may not need shampoo at the moment but it doesnt hurt buying some so you wont have to worry about it later... for some odd reason..i dont have to buy clothes or shoes to make me happy..buying shampoos, toothbruth, body wash, bday cards, random things at target satisfy my shopper needs just as much as if i went to mall and bought a new outfit. Although i dont need it..i just buy it..cause it makes me happy. Spending money on things make me happy. Im not even rich..that is the downfall. When im sad... i buy things to make me happy. Honestly, i cant help myslef. My reasoning behind this.. i'll pay it off..or im going to use it always..or i need it just because. If not target, then the mall.. my worst enemy but also my best friend...retail credit cards. I love Nordstrom... but worst thing to have... Nordstrom credit card. I go into Nordy and i see something i like...i have a war with my thoughts..to buy or not to buy...i usually fail miserably but i try to keep it within the budget but even then i shouldnt be buying anything. Another store i cant go home without visiting..Victoria's Secret..and i too have a credit card from them as well..im not even going go into detail how stuff i bought from there. I feel soooo weird leaving the mall without having bought anything...so i go looking for something to buy..nothing too expensive..maybe a shirt.. or makeup... thats my awful disease. I really need to stop........... my friend is having a bday dinner..and i have plenty of dresses at home..but i used her bday as an excuse to go buy another one... loving the dress..hating myself. I even thought about buying new heels to go with the dress.... wth is wrong with me??! Happy when i feel the shopping bags in my hand... super regrettful when i see my bills-___- I promise im not that much into debt...but i could have saved myself a couple hundred dollars worth of debt. I blame the stressful life i have to live. Stress = unhappy ashley = going out and about = target or mall = eye shopping = buying something "useful" = coming home happy = credit card bill = ohhhh effff = stress = same cycle.

All within a week.

This week was probably the longest week i've experienced in a while. I mean besides the fact that my summer anatomy class is taking over about 95% of my summer life..yea that sucks. Although it sucks major basketballs, its something i need to do since last sem. was a no go for me..im just gritting my teeth and counting down the days till its all over and done with. When i say its taking over 95% of my life, i mean..i havent been able to go to the gym since class started cause A) im either studying B) studying some more C) and sleeping. Although i've made some cool friends in my class, sometimes i just need to get awayyyyyyy. I've offically become out of shape due to my lack of daily gym time...and i have to do what i hate doing the most which is waking up early and getting ready for school. I've hurt my shoulder at work and now everytime i move it, i feel a sharp pain that runs thruout my body..it's almost been a week since it happened.. and still no relief. i've pulled an all nighter with my friends in hopes to get an A on one of the harder exams..and that was total FAIL! Having no sleep and staring at words is seriously a body killer, i felt sick the whole day..had no energy..and found out that instead of getting an A on my test..i ended up getting a C. OOOhhhh helllz, i should have just called it a day and followed my instincts and should have just gone to bed... But on the flip side, i suprisingly got a good grade on my Lab practicum the following day after the lecture exam.. So that put me in a better mood...especially since i didnt even try and just went with the flow of things and most importantly went to sleep instead of staying up till 3am studying... I dont know what i was thinking when i decided to take Ochem and anatomy toegther last sem..i was trippppen. It may seem possible for some people but for me that was by the most worst mistake i ever made in my life..never again. Take things slow..yes it may take longer then i would have wanted it too..but at least im looking out for myself and getting better grades than if i was cramming everything together...slow but safe.

To be or not to be.

As im sitting in my chair with my nose pack on my nose to dry, im at war with my thoughts. To be a leader for next year or not to be? I suck at praying so even though i want to pray about it, it never comes to me naturally so it pretty much never happens. How sad is that, I want to pray but it's one of the most hardest things for me to do-_-. Awful i know. So here's the deal, im going to be superrr busy next year. School is going to be the death of me, i still have math120...2 sem of foreign lang...physio...microbio..organic chem..and other nitty gritty classes that other colleges require in order for me to even apply...And the downfall, different schools require diff. classes so i dont even know where to start:( So for me to be a full time student and work because i have too and not because i want to and on top of that be a possible leader again?? I dont want to overfill my plate like i did last sem... that was hellish for me, i was the most unhappiest person in the world. I dont want to make the same mistake for the upcoming semesters again..that's only going to put me in an overworked rutt. And to not be a leader is soooo weird, i want to serve people, and i dont mind being a helping hand..leadership has grown on me where it has somewhat become a part of me that its almost painful to let go, but deep inside i know or feel that i have to let go. I feel like i have to let go in order to get my schooling back on tract and actually finish within a year without any disruptions or such and such. It sucks even more cause i dont know if i'll come back my senior year and possibly serve again.. That would mean that i would have only served one year out of my whole college stay in e-college... that sorta makes me sad. I love e-college i really do, its one ministry that has opened so many new doors spiritually and has given me a chance to grow. I dont know what to, situations like these kill my brain cell.

Have a little faith in me.

As I am writing my first blog, my mom is upstairs listening to BILLIE JEAN from her new MJ cd she bought yesterday. MJ may he rest in peace.



So, one of my biggest problems with my faith, isn't the fact that i don't believe in Him, its the fact that i dont trust Him with my all. Honestly its not because i dont want to, it's because its one of the hardest things to do. Ive grown up doing things on my own, I didnt really need to rely on anyone cause i got things done. From getting a job as soon as i got my driver's liscense, to paying my own bill (credit cards, cellphone, school, allowance blah blah blah.etc). Yes, when Ne-yo introduced his "Miss. Independent" song, i was like "ohhhh snaps heres my newest anthem". So how am I suppose to just give it all to Him?? Through every stressful time, i felt God telling me "Have faith in me", and yet i continued to just brush it off and try to figure out a way to fix the problem on my own. I'm just used to being independent, i can't help it. My life is getting more stressful as we speak, and I'm starting to feel the weight of this world on my shoulders. Im starting to realize that i alone can not conquer everything of this world, and that having faith in not only my own human strength but having faith in Hin will be the only way i can breathe once again.