I feel it in my fingers.

Wow. To capture 2010 in one word i would have to say that WOW would pretty much do it. 2009 was a horrible year, and 2010 wasn't what i expected but it sure was one hell of a ride. Now that i look back on it, 2009 was really all part of His mighty plan. Lets take a walk down memory lane shall we? I worked my butt off to become a nurse only to realize that life had a different direction for me. I actually made it into nursing school only to turn it down. Now who would have thought? But by me turning it down wasn't the end of my life. 2010 you have shown me the world in a whole new color. I learned things about myself that i probably would have never known if i hadn't experienced the things that went on in 2010. I've learned, the place is a much bigger place than anyone can imagine. My gungho-ness towards nursing had only shut me out of imagining greater things. My goal to help those who need help does not only happen in the hospital but all over the world. I was so blind to the possibilities that are out there, but having to let go of the nursing path only opened my eyes to the things unseen. I would like to think of it as a fair trade. One door closes and another opens, they say. This is true. In the past i thought i would die and let myself down and consider myself a failure if i didn't go thru with nursing, and i was wrong. I am not a failure, i did not let myself down, and obviously i didn't die. True, i didn't go with the whole nursing thing, but i've come to realize how much stronger i am than i give myself credit for. This is only the beginning of my new journey, i haven't failed myself, i have succeeded into someone greater for not just for the world but also for myself. I learned to make new decisions and I've learned to let go. I've learned to catch the rocks that life throws at you and pick myself up every time i fall. 2011 will be a great year, i can feel it in my fingers and i can feel it in my toes. 2011 will be a year where i start in a new university, with a new major, meet new people, and laugh as much as possible even if the skies are gray.

Thanks.

On this Thanksgiving I give my Thanks to the wonderful people I have met. The friends that stuck through with me from beginning to end. The ones that heard me cry, laugh, seen me half naked, seen me dance like there's no tommorow, heard me sing my country music, endured my diva-ness, and all of the above. I thank God for providing me with my friends.

I thank God for the bumps in my life that he has given me. Truly, they are a blessing in disguise. Without these life bumps i would have never known what my mind was capable of. I would have never known that there was something more to my life than nursing and that i would be okay without it. I would have never known what it felt like to get a semester off of school ( i felt like a huge bum and i think Ive rested enough for quite some time). I learned that when one door closes, another one opens, and that in life you cant always get what you want. But that's okay, really its okay. I'm a stronger and more logical person now, and this kind of knowledge just doesn't come to you one sunny morning. Its the kind of knowledge that requires you to experience pain and heartache and it then rewards you with knowledge. I see myself with many more options and possibilities. I was made to bring change in this world, to help those in need, or any circumstances. I want to be that change, the light in someone's darkness, the laughter in someone's sadness. I learned that God has my back no matter what, and the world is now an endless gateway of possibilities.

I thank God for my family. My not so normal, out of this world family. My dad who still thinks he's 18 and cracks jokes like there's no tomorrow, who seemed to have finally matured into a man (well at least thats what my mom says). If there's one thing i'm going to apologize in advance for it's for my future boyfriend/husband. You will get picked on by my dad from the moment you step into my house, and if you are not able to handle it and joke back then....adios dude. My family is not your average korean family. For the woman of the house, my mom. She can handle everything and anything that comes her way. Strongest woman i know hands down, and has the most faith in me. I thank her for not being the typical korean mom, her trust in me has lead me this far. The support she has given me through all of this ordeal has been amazing. I'm most thankful for my grammy<3 The love of my life, if i was to ever love a man, i hope i love him like i love my grammy. The sweetest woman i know, most sacrificial, most unselfish, willing to endure pain so that no one else would be troubled by her. I cry everytime i think of my grammy, she is such a beautiful woman and i am so so so so sorry that i was such a horrible baby....always crying and demanding everything to be my way. Through it all, she has loved me ever so much, and for that, i can never repay her. ( i mean lets be real here ppl...how do you endure a cry frekin baby that cries all the damn time?? if i was my grammy i would have hated me....now that i think about it...i was born with my diva ways) haters gon hate.

I'm in love with a stripper.

Today's sermon was about being more practical. A practical Christian. A Christian that doesn't have to "pray" about everything before doing it. Such as comforting someone who is crying, or feeding the poor and hungry. And Pastor Dennis is right. Why do we stop and think about helping another human being in need? Shouldn't it be in our human nature to help and love others? Well Pastor Dennis ended the sermon with a challenge to go help someone in need.

Today at work, a girl came in crying with a big suitcase behind her. She ordered a hot chocolate with whip cream and continued to cry. With teary eyes she looks at me and says "Could you call me a cab, I've had a long day." I couldn't walk away without knowing she was going to be okay. I asked her "is everything alright?" and immediately she pours her heart out to me. I could tell she needed someone to talk to. She then proceeds to tell me that she left her boyfriend of 4 years, and she needs to go back home to her family in Nor cal. She continues to tell me that her boyfriend doesn't have a job, expects her to cook and clean, and she has to pay for everything. She continues to cry and tells me that she works at Vegas as a stripper during the weekend and that she has no one that she knows that lives in So cal. The sad part wasn't that she was stripper, but it was the fact that she had no shoulder to cry on while going through this ordeal with her boyfriend. Everybody needs a shoulder to cry on. How desperate was this girl to vent to someone, that she turned to a stranger for help?

My heart went out to her and so i told her to be strong and that she didn't deserve a guy that treated her like that. I told her she was worth more than that and that she shouldn't have to go through that crap. A man should always provide for the woman, and with that being said i told her good job for leaving him. When you got to go, you got to go, and it has been 4 years too long. I wanted to encourage her as much as possible, because i know leaving a guy that you invested for 4 years is hard to let go. We had a pow wow session and the cab came and i wished her Good luck and then she was gone.

So, i wish the girl the best in life. I hope she got to LAX safely, i hope she was able to find an opening on a flight to Nor cal, and i hope she finds a man worthy of her. Most of all, I hope my words were encouraging enough for her so that she can feel better about the situation and find love again. You go girl.

Day 3

DAY 3- a picture of you and your friends. (this i have many of)

Day 2

So far so good.....

Day 2 The meaning behind your Blogspot name.

I think A LOT. Like all day everyday. And i usually start off my stories with "so i've been thinking andddd....blah blah blah. Suits me just fine.

Day 1

Blog challenge, seems like fun. It originated with tumblr but whatevs...i do whateva i want. Hopefully i follow thru on it and not get lazy and just quit like on day 4. My blog never gets love from me, and i look back on my blog, and its like frkin serious and sappy and dark and depressing. Time to spice it up.

Day 1- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself


1) Addicted to Shopping. Mos def. my ultimate pick me up.
2) I own close to 30 pairs of shoes.
3) I like everything SPARKLY.
4) I'm in charge of my family's laundry, actually i choose to do it. It's therapeutic.
5)I love dogs, but im also quite allergic to them:(
6) I want to make a difference in the world someday.
7) Every little bump in my life, i believe happened for a reason and is the best learning experience.
8) I strongly believe that people can strip you of everything, but they cant take away your education and what you've learned.
9) My job is one of the greatest mysteries to many people.
10) Every Tuesday is Mother/Daughter day.
11) I like guys who have a little fluff to them.
12) Hygiene is very important to me.
13) My favorite color is yellow.
14) I still have a Myspace, but I havent been on it in months...i should go chk it out.
15) I love zombie movies/video games. They're the best!

Behind but trying to get ahead.

Its been a while, I've been in deep thought the past couple of weeks. Checking out different schools and i think I have come to a final decision. As a communications major i really want to make an impact in the world. I really want to work with non-profit orgs. and work with a company that wants to bring change into this world! A difference can be made! Wow, I am 21 years old and just starting to apply for college..this was something that i should have done like 2 years ago or better yet senior year of high school...le sighhhh. It is what it is, i just gots to make the best out of it. Like my mom says, "think happy thoughts".

CAL STATES:
Cal State Pomona
Cal State LA
Cal State Long Beach

OTHERS:
USC
Chapman

Currently in the process of applying to the colleges listed above, please pray that I will get accepted into at least ONE!! (preferably USC)

OMG you're not going to be a nurse??!

Well, let me explain myself before the whole world freaks out. As some of you may know, i was lucky enough to get into a private nursing school this summer. But, all good things must come to an end. Yes, my life dream, and goal was to be a nurse but in life you cant always get what you want. I think the greater lesson learned from this decision is being able to let go. So let me explain myself so that you can hopefully get a glimpse of my logic behind everything. As being admitted into a private school, its automatic that its gunna be a wallet raper. But i was able to look past it because you i would be able to finish is 2 1/2 years. I had my mind set that i would do nothing but study and turn into a hermit, i was ready! But of course nothing is smooth sailing in my life, not surprised. I was having trouble with my loans for that school, and I DONT KNOW WHY, last time i checked my credit score was above average and i didnt do anything to mess it up so it should have been just fine. I tried to co-sign with my sister which also has a very good credit score but sure enough that got shot down. Before i heard of the 2nd rejection i was already thinking if this was the road that God really wanted me on. I then told myself that if the loan didnt go thru the second time then i would withdrawal from the school all together. And then the phone rings the next day telling me of my rejection once again. But the loans weren't the only reasons why i chose to withdrawal. There is a guy in Next that actually goes to that nursing school and he really made me think about going to that school. Everything he was telling me about that school made me really hate their policy. Stupid of me to just go along with everything without even doing research, grrr now that i think back on it and it was such a stupid move on my part. He tells me basically that he hates it, and that i should save myself-___- what a welcoming feeling. Its expensive, classes are only 9 weeks, its harder than most nursing schools, andddd if you fail twice then your kicked out. Lets be reasonable here...lets say that i attend that school for about a year and i just so happen to fail my 2nd class..then that leaves me with expensive loans that i now have to pay for classes that are now useless to me cause none of the credits can be transferred. The con outweigh the pros so much. I dont want to have to go to school walking on thin ice like that, sure its good to think positive but come on now, the real world isnt always going to be butterflies and unicorns, people are going to fail and life isnt going to be easy. With that being said i knew that school wasnt it for me and i chose to move on. What now? Go back to cypress college and grind out some of the science classes that i need to finish? With just the thought of that, it really made my stomach churn. I really really thought hard, science and i never got along. For my friends that heard me out and seen my cry for the past two years because of my science classes know how much of a headache it was for me. I forced science into my life, i made myself believe that i was good at it because i was holding onto that one idea of becoming a nurse. I held on to it even when my grades were failing me. I tried to dust myself off and try and try again but i know now that you cant always force something into you life. My sky high GPA had hit rock bottom ever since i started taking my core science classes. Why not shoot for a career where my GPA has something to show for? It was time to be honest with myself and come to a final decision. Then a prayer came into my head, at the Next summer retreat the guest pastor prayed for me and i told him this before hand "Pastor Alvin, i'll be starting nursing school in November please pray that God will really guide in the right direction", he then lays a hand on me and closes his eyes and a few moments later he tells me this, "God wants me to tell you that whatever you do God is going to use you and that its up to you if you want to do nursing, it doesnt matter to God." AHHH freak, here i was thinking that God had surely set me on the nursing path but now i know that he has my back no matter what i do. I think to be honest at that i moment i knew i was going to give up on nursing. Honestly, even though i got into this nursing school this summer, there was something inside of me that just wasnt sure...le sighhh. Enough is enough and i think that ive had enough. I dont think i can travel on this road anymore, i don't want to force myself to like something that im not compatible with. Its time to move on and go the other road.

Final Decision.

Today's weather is pretty gloomy. I think it matches perfectly with my life choice. Today i gave up on my nursing career. Time to take a different path. As much as i hate to give up on my dreams and goals, enough is enough; and i think i've had enough. Le sighhh. Life goes on. I think i shall go shopping now to cheer me up.

Stuck.

DO I GO TO NURSING SCHOOL OR DO I NOT??! On the flip side, hotel management sounds like a really fun job. But my passion and my heart remains with the sick ppl:/ I wish God can just friggin tell me how its going to be like so i dont kill myself over this.

Awkward Fireman?

I just had mother and daughter bonding time. As i was plucking her white hair, armpit hair, and eyebrows we started out convo on relationships.

Me: When's Jessica (my sister) going to get married?
Mom: Somtime next year, I think in september...You shouldn't involve yourself in a relationship.
Me: uhhhh okay. Although I think the awkward guys always flock to me, and i dont know why. You know, the socially awkward.
Mom: (Frowns)Have you ever dated the awkward? They flock to you because you are a wild child.
Me: Yes I've dated some.
Mom: urghh, you dont like those kind of men, do you?
Me: Hecttt no, I like them Manly. Like firemen status.
Mom: But the awkward guys are good husbands because they are nice.
Me: Yeah, but they are boooooring. They do everything I tell them to do. Too nice.
Mom: Dont you want a nice husband? You would have a happy life.
Me: No i wouldnt have a happy life because there is no fun involved.
Mom: Marriage isnt about fun, its about family and growing together.
Me: Well i dont want to date or marry a guy who im not going to have fun with, My marriage is going to be fun. Because Im a strong woman i want my man to be stronger than me.
Mom: You guys will always fight then.
Me: oh well, ill kick his ass then.
Mom: You should go hold a sign in front of a fire station and the sign should read "Looking for a fireman to marry"
Me: Yeah ill get right on it. -_____-

Grandma

I LOVE my grandma more than words can describe! I love her more than money, shoes, boys, movies, and life itself!! If I was granted one wish it would be for her to live forverrrr! She is my cheese to my macaroni. If i ever meet a man, he has to love my grandma and treat her right, or else his ass is out the door. Not having to go to school until November i have been spending a lot more time with her. Not being able to start school with the rest of the world sucks but the fact that i get to finally spend time with her without worrying about school is such a blessing:) I LOVE you grandma and I wish i was super rich right now so i could buy you the world, but please wait a little bit more!

Scholarship.

This is one of my scholarship essay I wrote, surprisingly it didn't take more than 20 minutes. It may have been a fast write but I feel like it really captured my feelings. Would you give me a scholarship after reading this 250 word essay??

Ever since I was little, my life goal was to become a successful nurse. To me, a successful nurse isn't someone who works a lot to make a lot. It's someone who is successful because they really love and care for the patients. That's my ultimate goal when i become a nurse. I don't want to do the job just to make the money, but I want to do it out of the goodness of my heart. Not to take care of the patients because it's "my job" but to take care of the patients because I really want to help them. If I am not able to help them get better physically, I at least want to try my best to help them heal emotionally. I believe that every patient should feel the warmth and love from every nurse that may cross their way. It angers me to know that there are some nurses out there that do what they do because of the "good pay" or the "good hours". I want to look pass all that and really bring out the true meaning of being a nurse to where ever I may go after I finish nursing school. I want to get to know my patients and grow a relationship with them so that I may be able to better serve them. I was born with a heart to serve those that need help, and I plan to use this heart of mine to its fullest.

Chicago, Day 6.

Today is Sabbath. At most we'll be doing is eating. I didn't go to church today. Forgive me Lord. It's raining, again.

Chicago, Day 5.

In the spirit of going to the Cubs game at Wrigley Field I bought a Cubs tshirt to blend in with the thousands of fans. Honestly, Chicago knows how to attend a baseball game. Everyone and their mama was at the game. I am so used to going to Dodger games and seeing empty seats all over the place, but honestly, there was barely any room to breathe because of the fans. And once again, I was the only asian girl there. But all in all, it was very fun to watch. The weather was a lot hotter and muggier than the weather that we've been having. We ended up going to Hot Doug's, for those of you that dont know Hot Doug's. he's been on TV. In comparison, it's a Pink's of chicago. The line literally wraps around the corner and I think it took about 2 hours for my friend and I to get in. Waiting in line sucks but we met cool people in the line and we actually saw a couple get into a heated fight. It was like Jerry Springers. When I placing my order none other than Doug himself took the order. He's so nice and funny! Made the hot dog and my cheese fries taste that much better. My friend got fries made from duck fat.... no comment. We are such old ladies, we always say that were gunna go out at night but we never do. It's tiring to spend the whole day taking public transportation around, and then having to walk. Dont judge us!

Chicago, Day 4.

To add on to the list of things that I've learned in Chicago, I realized that I left out one thing. Chicago has nothing but rotating doors. So frekin annoying! But whatevs.

We semi got lost today, but we managed to find our way to our destination! SWEET SUCCESS. Slowly warping into a true chicago-ian. Went to a place called Buck Town, pretty much like a lower end of 3rd street Promenade. Went to Chinatown and I was so shocked to see how empty it was, and had lunch there but ewwww. I'll just stick with the Panda Express thank you very much. Although lunch was weird and gross, it wasn't expensive so it didnt hurt too bad. We ended up grabbing a smoothie after lunch and that was so DELISH!! omagahhhh i dont think I've had such a delish cup of smoothie. I'm Addicted. Met up with Philip Chung and hung out with him for a while. We ended up going to a McD's that was soooo luxurious. It had 2 stories, escalators, black leather lounge chairs (for people who want to drink coffee and read a book), and bathrooms were so pretty...i was amazed. I want to experience the night life, but honestly, call me a old lady or what not...i just get so tired from the day that all i want to do is come home and shower...so sue me.

Chicago, Day 3.

So its been 3 days since I've been in Chicago and I must say I've learned a lot. I've learned that pedestrians are not first, drivers honk their horn all day everyday, walking to different places is normal, ppl don't wait for the little walking man sign to turn before they start crossing, everywhere I go I seem to be the only Asian girl, it probably wouldn't be a good idea for me to live in Chicago because shopping would be so easy to do, bus 66 is the bus to take home and make sure I exit Damen, rain doesnt mean that the weather is cold, and there's many good looking white business men. I started off the day by going to Al's beef, yet another hole in the wall restaurant. ( If i was in California i would never allow myself to eat at a hole in the wall) but since i am in Chicago and to get the full experience i must at everywhere and anywhere. Al's beef was alright, nothing too great. Then we headed to Sky deck which is part of the Willis Tower that sends you 103 floors above the ground. Such a beautiful sight to see! Thank you God. The way they built the tower was just amazing, such smart people....i was amazed. We also went to Navy Pier, people were right, its' a pretty sight to see but its pretty much over in 5 minutes. But nonetheless a must indeed. I'm just so tired right now...the weather was so nice today, it reminded me of California weather (no humidity, there was a cool breeze, and sun wasn't too hot)...got homesick for a little bit. I miss California, but I'm starting to fall for Chicago...hmmmmmm.

Chicago, Day 2.

I should have brought an umbrella, or my rain boots at least. It rained so hard this morning a part of me was very scared. But luckily when we headed out to face another day in Chicago the rain was nice enough to stop, for the time being. I woke up this morning, and realized that we had slept about 12 hours. Yes, i was that tired. I was also told by my friend that I snored. That was such a shocker because normally i don't snore at all. So yes, I was just that dead tired. She was nice enough to figure out the correct routes we needed to take so we can get to point A and point B without getting lost. We had lunch at a famous pizza place by the name of Giordano's. Their pizzas are really big, and due to our hungry state we just had to order mozzarella sticks as appetizers. Bad choice on our parts because if we had known how big even the small pizzas were going to be, we would have resisted the mozzarella sticks. After having one slice my friend and I both agreed that we would have to finish the rest for dinner. After lunch, we both headed toward Michigan Ave, aka THE MAGNIFICENT MILE. Whoever came up with the name Magnificent Mile wasn't lying. It's shopping after shopping, and store after store. I guess a piece of heaven on earth for most girls. As we made our way into different stores, of course, it starts raining. At this point I don't even know how to react. It's still hot, still humid, and yet it's raining. With no umbrella and no desire to spend my money on an umbrella when I have like a million at home, I was left with only one choice. Therefore, I spent the whole day doing what I love doing, but also experiencing summer Chicago weather to its fullest. I left the house this morning with straight hair, and I came back home with my curls. Oh lucky me.

Chicago, Day 1.

Our flight from Ontario Airport to Chicago O'Hare airport was at 1:05AM this morning. With a brief lay over in Texas for a hour and a half, i grabbed a quick bagel with orange juice while we waited for our transition flight to start boarding. Believe it or not, i was not mentally or physically ready for the total of 5-6 hours on the plane and in the airport. The last time i traveled it was about 10 to 11 years ago. Within that time i forgot how small and cramped airplanes are and how horribly uncomfortable they can be. For brief moment my claustrophobia kicked in. Although the plane was small i guess it was exciting nonetheless. Watching the plane ascend and descend gave me butterflies in my stomach. I felt like a little kid and it gave me flashblacks of my childhood travels and how much i enjoyed flying and the airport scene. Oh, i also realized that no matter how much the idea of traveling for free sounds like such a deal, i cannot be a flight attendant. I slept every moment i could on the plane and i just dont know how flight attendants can do that all day everyday. Mad props, no joke.

Born and raised in California i guess in a way it made me super spoiled. The weather here is humid, and there is no cool breeze at all whatsoever. I noticed that AC is on high everywhere we go. On every public transportation, business office, restaurants etc. Im sure it's the same in Cali, but because the weather here is so blehh it makes me appreciate AC so much more. I've been telling myself that i want to leave Cali and go experience a new place, but after experiencing the 1st day in Chicago i no longer have a yearning to leave. I want to stay in Cali forever and ever. I never want to leave, we seriously have the best weather, and i just cant take the weather here. Having to take public transportation is such a culture shock to me. Because I've been driving since i was 16, the thought of having to take public transportation was never an option. I don't even know where the nearest bus stop is around my house! But here, everyone and anyone takes the bus or the train. It's natural to everyone, and to me, its such a hard thing to do. I can't do this forever, its not possible. People who are able to travel without a car are like....another breed or something. Total culture shock, I'm not even try to sound like a diva...i promise.

I love CAIFORNIA, i miss home already:( But seriously, i need to burst out of my california bubble. Okay Chicago, i have 6 more days with you!

Ain't it funny...

I MADE IT. No wait, i take that back. WE MADE IT! The people who have prayed for me countless times, the ones that rubbed my back when i cried over the stressful events in life, the people who have kept me accountable, the ones who reminded me that God is good in all circumstances...the day has finally come. Yes, I, Ashley Chin, has finally made it into nursing school. I am at lost for words most of the time, and to be quite honest, I still feel like I am dreaming. Thank you to everyone who has contributed to my success, without you i would probably have given up on my dreams and hopes. Although, i would like to think that my hard work payed off, it would be wrong of me to give myself all the glory and credit.

God, has taken me on a 3 year road trip. I must admit it was the longest, hardest, road trip. For 3 years all i did was work my butt off in school, doubt myself, have little to no faith in God, go into college depression, hate myself, cry, stress, worry, beat myself up, put myself down, found a reason to blame something or someone else for my failures, and never have i looked up to the cross once in my troubles and heartaches. Why it took 3 years? Who knows..... but although it was the hardest three years that i have ever faced, I am so glad that God has taken me on this trip of his. He's made me realize, without him there is nothing. No matter how hard you try, it doesnt mean anything unless you lift it up to God. This nursing entrance exam that i had to take in order to get into the nursing program was seriously the death of me. Because it scared me so much and because i wanted it so bad i was so scared to lose it. And through this it made me really turn to God and seek him and his help. Through that it made me realize that i put nursing on a huge pedestal and praised it more than i praised God. Well no shit sherlock, God is not down with that. I realized then and there what i have been doing wrong for the past three yrs...and then i prayed...God i LIFT UP EVERYTHING to you. And then and there God really gave me a peaceful heart about everything. Even if i didnt pass and God didnt have the nursing road planned for me, i was finally okay with it. I put all my faith in him, and whatever happened i trusted God to lead me the right direction, and even if it wasnt nursing I WAS GOING TO BE OKAY. The peace that God brought me through my studies and test time was truly a gift from God. Bottom line...i was okay. Even through i wanted it so bad, and even though this was the reason why i worked so hard, if God didnt give it to me i felt okay...

Funny how when you want something so bad and you work so hard for it, God doesnt give it to you. But when you finally go on your knees before him and lift everything up, he gives it to you so easily. I am laughing as i think back on my selfish ways and its soooo funny how God did all this to teach me this precious lesson. Although i tell myself i am strong and independent and my hard works wont always pay off as i thought it would all these years. You're missing the main ingredient, it isnt willpower, nor is it self motivation...you really really really need God. This summer has been an epic summer, i learned the most important lesson, God finally gave me what i wanted for long, and getting into nursing school feels that much better because now i know it was in God's plan all along....he was just waiting for me....God is GOOD.

People ask "how come your not happy you got into nursing school?". Dont get me wrong guys, i am soooooo ecstatic, words cannot express the feelings i feel. Just because i'm not jumping up and down and screaming my head off doesnt mean im not happy. I am so happy sooooo happy that i cant do anything about it...screaming and jumping up and down wont suffice. But, my happiness is shared with God. This feeling that i share with God cannot be expressed, and the only thing i can do is look up and smile. No matter how hard i studied for the exam, and all the times i sacrificed for studying doesnt mean anything anymore. I feel like God just gave it to me and all the hard work i did doesnt feel like anything. I feel like God just gave it to me on a silver platter.....i cant explain ittt! I share my deepest happiness and joy with God.

If all goes well, i start my first day of nursing school on Aug 30th. From here on out, i only want to study for God, and do everything for God....for without him i would not be here today. May i become the most selfless nurse out there, where my main goal is to only serve the lord and use the hospital as my mission field. God is so good, and my thankfulness is infinite.

It was as if God sat next to me and whispered everything in my ear..

Last Friday I decided to go to NEXT. I must say, its not that bad. Sure, I am the youngest, and everyone seems so old and over the hill, but I do like the mature atmosphere. Going to NEXT made me want to go to Holywave Sunday service, to give it shot. Something inside of me made me want to attend Holywave instead of Ecollege. Good thing I followed through on my urge because it was serious one of the most heart warming sermons I have ever heard in such a long time. It was one of those sermons that just get right inside you and make you feel all warm and fuzzy... it was as if God sat next to me and whispered everything in ear.... As creepy as that sounds, it was such a blessing moment for me. Pastor Dennis's sermon had to do with everything I was going through! So perfect it was incredible. POINT #1. Do not worry because God knows. I do nothing but worry, and how come I never thought about this fact??! Of course God knows, he knows everything about each and everyone of us, of course he knows about my worries and struggles! I felt so alone in this world with my struggles, but honestly....it felt so good to hear the words "God knows". After I heard this point, it was as if my stress was lifted, I don't need to worry, God already knows! "Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but gets you nowhere." POINT #2. Seek God's kingdom, focus on God, let him be the center of your life. Make room in your heart to seek God. Due to my worrying and wants of this world, my heart was completely occupied by the flesh and not the spirit. I had absolutely no room in my heart for God. This was exactly what I needed to hear, enough with the worrying because God has everything under control and time to clear out the trash in my heart and make room for the treasures. Time to truly seek the Kingdom and Him.

I had an "Aha!" moment.

I was in the shower, and I was thinking. Thinking about my life, where I am as a person, my goals, my future, my everything. Stressed as can be, I do nothing but worry about everything. Life, why is it so hard? Why does everything have to be like 10 times harder than everyone else's? When their lives on handed to them on a silver platter, I feel like I have to work extra hard. It's okay tho, because I have constantly told myself that I am stronger than the average bear and that when it comes to life, I can pretty much handle anything and everything that life may have to offer. But, if there is one thing that I constantly lose to, I would have to say that it's my thoughts with my nursing career. Why is it so hard? Why is God closing all these doors on me? Why is it taking so long for me to become a nurse? blah blah blah. Then it struck me, or shall I say, God struck me. All this time I worried about my life, and how I'm going to succeed thru only my own will power, never have I put God first. You can want something so badly and work your butt off for it, but if God isn't even part of it, then he will surely take it away. I guess I have to admit, Nursing > God. In a way it had become my idol, and as I think about it now, I think the reason why everything isn't working out for me is because God needs to be the center of it. Of course God wants to be my everything and yet here I am making my nursing goals my everything, of course he's going to take it away of course of course of course! So here I am, understanding fully of my sinful heart. God, I really want to lift this up to you. I have set such high goals and expectations of myself without even consulting with you about any of it. I pray and hope that nursing is something that you do have in store for me, but I will no longer put it before you. I hope to seek and find God in everything now...and with this, God first and nursing second. Whatever He says, goes.

Mother, Mama, Madre, Umma.

Dear Mom,

Happy Mother's Day. I dont really know where to begin to say how much i love you and thank you. Without you, ofcourse i wouldnt be here today, but thats beside the thanks i want to give. You are truely the definition of a strong woman, and i admire what you do for this family. I know you have scarificed so much to keep this family in check and i thank you. I do hope and plan to reapay you and the sacrifices you've made for us. I only hope to grow up and become a storng woman as you are. The love and care you give to Jessica and I are endless and the way you continually want to treat us like were princesses makes me smile. I thank you for waking up every morning and going to work and working every ounce of stregth in your body for us. I thank you for coming home after a hard day at work and still give me a hug with a smile. I know its hard, and i know you dont want to work forever, but please Mom, keep on trucking because when i become a nurse, those days are over. I thank you for always trusting me and my life decisions and never pushing me to do something i dont want to do. Thank you for not giving me a hard time when i told you that i was just going to go to Cypress College right out of high school, thank you for not being a typical korean mom. I'll always remember what you said to me when i told you my decision " I dont care where you go, just make sure you know what your doing and make it happen, its your life and i trust you will not fail yourself." Your trust in me is like my life's battery, i feel like giving up so much, but you always pop into my head and i feel bad for even thinking about giving up. Mom, the woman i am today is because of you. We've had so many ups and downs, but our stuggles have really shaped us and molded us. So i thank God, for my Mom.

Your youngest daughter,
Ashley.

White Flag.

I sit here, in my chair, surrounded by pages and pages of organic chemistry notes. I have a test at 12pm that covers 8 chapters and some of the chapters i had to teach myself. I can honestly say that i think/want to give up right about now. I feel like i have reached the end of the road and whatever happens..happens. I either need to jump off and trust in the Lord, or turn around and retrace my steps. But, i much rather jump off and let the Lord catch me. I've been struggling with my thoughts for too long now. I always seem to figure out the solution with my own willpower, and never leave it up to the Lord. God, I'm having such a hard time, and i trust that you will take care of me....right? I am so stressed ive been having scary dreams, sleep doesnt feel like sleep, i cant remeber the last time i got in a goodnights rest, everything i eat doesnt taste good and my digestive system doesnt seem to agree with it either. I feel so hopeless right now and it really kills me and my pride to know that i havent been able to keep my end of the bargain as a student and fufill all my studies. Do i give up to easily? But theres a point in your studies when you have reached your maximum potential and you know it. Everything you read stopped making sense and your non-existant A.D.D seems to kick in. I feel like a failure right now. Why does chem have to be so hard for me? Maybe nursing isnt for me?...

These Dreams...another one.

I had a dream that i witnessed a car accident and the man inside was trapped and couldnt escape. The car was leaking oil and he was screaming "i have to get out of here before the car blows up." I just stood there dumbstruck, and sure enough the car blew up right before my eyes. I saw the man catch on fire and scream and i didnt do anything about. Everything was so real, i even remember the car, it was a deep blue sedan. Why do i continue to dream these unpleasant dreams?

These Dreams...

Maybe because I've been stressed out to the max but I've been having some weird-ass dreams. And when i say weird......its like another level weird.

Ive had this one particular dream twice now, and it contradicts all my beliefs. I am a strong anti-smoker, i lost my dearly beloved grandpappy to lung cancer cause he was a heavy smoker for so many years. SO anything that has to do with smoking, count me out. I hate it when people around me smoke and i hate it when my friends smoke and i hate it when people are so inconsiderate to smoke anywhere and everywhere. Second hand smoke kills losers. But i digress. Anyways back to this dream of mine. I dream of me smoking cancer sticks all day errrday, and while im smoking....im totally loving every single puff of it. It makes me feel soooo good and i just cant seem to stop. This dream....i do not like. Why i have this dream...twice??! i really wish i knew that myself.

I had this dream last night. I dreamt i was in hollywood, but i was surrounded by cross-dressers and drag queens and papparazzi peeps were taking pics of them. This i remember so clearly, one guy was wearing a ruffly black short dress and wore black pumps but didnt even bother to shave his hairy man legs....i gagggged. Their makeup remimded me of Lady GAGA.... seriously the most randomest dream ever....its amazing what your mind can do.

Happy.

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can’t have everything
Don’t cha take chances
Might feel the pain
Don’t cha love in vain
Cause love won’t set you free
I could stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me? So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear myself
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
Cause I’m just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah

Holding on tightly
Just cant let it go
Just trying to play my role Slowly disappear, ohh
All these days I feel like they’re the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me outta here
I can’t stand by your side, ohh no
Watch this life pass me by, pass me by

So what if it hurts me? So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear myself
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
Cause I’m just trying to be happy, ohh, happy, ohh

So and it’s just that I can’t see
The kind of stranger on this road
But don’t say victim
Don’t say anything

So what if it hurts me? So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear myself
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me

I just wanna be happy
Ohh, yeah, happy, ohh, happy
I just wanna be, ohh
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, happy

Thank you Leona Lewis for taking my words right out of my mouth and putting it into a song.

I could get used to this.

You make me breakfast in bed When I'm mixed up in my head You wake me with a kiss I could get used to this You think I look the best When my hair is a mess I can't believe you exist I could get used to this

Because I know you're too good to be true I must have done something good to meet you

'Cause you wrote my name across your hand When I freak you understand There is not a thing you miss And I could get used to this I'm feeling it comin' over me With you it all comes naturally Lost the reflex to resist And I could get used to this You love the songs I write You like the movies I like There must be some kind of twist But I could get used to this

You kiss me listen to me when I'm depressed It doesn't seem to make you like me less 'Cause you wrote my name across your hand When I freak you understand There is not a thing you miss And I could get used to this I'm feeling it comin' over me With you it all comes naturally Lost the reflex to resist And I could get used to this If there's a dark side to you I haven't seen it Every good thing you do feels like you mean it

'Cause you wrote my name across your hand When I freak you understand There is not a thing you miss And I could get used to this I'm feeling it comin' over me With you it all comes naturally Lost the reflex to resist And I could get used to this

'Cause you wrote my name across your hand When I freak you understand There is not a thing you miss And I could get used to this You make me breakfast in bed When I'm mixed up in my head You wake me with a kiss And I could get used to this

Yupppp. i think the Veronica's have pretty much summed up what every girl needs in her life.

Words cannot explain.

I was asked this question not to long ago "Why do you want to be a nurse so much." And to be quite honest, i just cant explain it. Theres this feeling inside me that just feels so right when i think about nursing. I couldnt be more happier when i'm able to help people who are sick or hurt around me. It brings me such joy to my heart when im able to do that. Even if its a simple task to just give them medicine or patch them up after a bad fall, its something that i really enjoy doing. Please get hurt around me, i promise to take great care of you. I love it when my family members get sick, the feeling of getting them wet cloth so i can help wash their face, or bringing them something to eat, or pricking their fingers so blood circulation works better(its a korean thing). Or even clipping their nails because their vision is not so good anymore! I especially love going to my grandma's house and helping her go through her day. I love to help her bathe, and scrub her back for her, wash her hair for her, and help her dry off and get into clean clothes. I know she's capable of doing it on her own, but the fact that im able to help her with it to make it that much easier for her makes my day. I love driving her places so she doesnt have to take the bus everywhere, i love helping her get in the car and helping her put her seatbelt on. If someone was to ask what i was most passionate about, i would have to say the ability to take care of someone. Taking care of people is really fun for me, it makes me really happy, and to see that their ok because i helped them is the greatest feeling in the world, and no amount of right words can express this feeling of mine. Isnt that what nursing should be about? Its really not about the money or the awesome benefits you get. It seriously angers me when people only go into nursing because the pays is good and the hours are good. Why?! It has no meaning then, your not doing it out of love but your doing it out of selfish reasons! Patients need someone who's going to take care of them because you really care! I dont plan to have a shallow relationship with my patients. I really want to get deep with them on another personal level. I truely believe God has placed me in this major. It just feels so right, and i know the hospital will be my mission field. When i daydream about my future, God places this vision in my head without a fail. I vision me going to each patient of mine and sharing God's love and his word. Honestly, money doesnt mean anything to me, even if the pay was horrible i cant see myself doing anything else. This vision brings much joy to my heart, just being able to share the word on a daily basis with different types of people is sufficient enough for me and i really hope that God will really use me and work thru me. Hard part is getting there, but God will surely provide.

Who needs a man when I've got God.

Who on God's green earth would have thought i would come to such a conclusion? Hellooooo, if you dont know me, i'm a bit on the boy crazy side. But, after hearing Pastor Jeff's sermon on singlehood it really struck me. My lightbulb in my head lit up. At first, when he says somewhere along the line of enjoy your singlehood and be in a relationship with God before you get in a relationship with someone else i was skeptical. No body wants to be single for goodness sakes. Its a crappy feeling. This what gets me the most, when couples go to an amusement park (ie. disneyland) and they hold hands take couple pics, and give each other kisses here and there...i get so jealous. Eff dude, i just want to kick them and tell them to go somewhere else. Like awayyyy from my view. I mean i guess it doesnt suck all the time, but im pretty sure people want someone to hang out with on another level, hold hands with, kiss (that part is optional) etc. But as i continually thought about the singlehood passage, it made me realize that my relationship with God has to be good first before anything else. And with that being said, i started to long for that intimate relationship with Him. Im not so sad that im not in a relationship anymore, i feel quite alright to be honest. So yes, Ashley Chin does not need a man as of now because an intimate relationship with God is much more important than any worthless relationship. I will find happiness in God instead of seeking happiness thru a man-made relationship. (i'm not bashing those already in a relationship with a guy/girl, honestly, im quite happy for you). I will wait for the God-made relationship. I have no doubt God will provide only the best for me. I will continually seek him and when the time is right, then surely he will let me go. The longing of a bf that ive been feeling for so long isnt really there anymore. I long for a relationship with God more than anything else right now. I think i'll make a "future husband list". And God and I will discuss this list, and in the mean time, we should all pray for our future loves.

It's me again.

Hi, its been a while since ive written on my blog. If you read my past blogs i struggled to regain my happiness. To be quite honest, they seem really depressing. As i reflect back on it, i was super unhappy and i am convinced that i was going thru some sort of depression! Praise God that im slowly but surely finding myself again. Its been a super hard year for me. My grades have suffered tremendously because of that. BUT my optimistic point of view that i told myself to have is still with me. Although im still going thru things, its not bringing me down as it used to. Im still able to find happiness thru it all. And for that i am so thankful and glad. Im starting to find joy in studying and going to school again. I feel like i've found my true self again. Ashley Chin does not give up. This feeling is such a good feeling. My grades have been back up like they used to be and that motivates me to do that much better in school. My walk with God has been slowly getting better as well. My heart was so hard, but i feel like God is slowly cracking away all the hardness to reveal my softness again. I yearn to have a relationship with him again. To be intimate with him again is really all i want. I wanted a bf so bad, but now, that feeling has been replaced with the feeling to be close to God. To be in a relationship with him. A good relationship with God will only lead to a Good relationship with my future bf. I will wait for God to provide. I reflect back, and in my unhappiness i was such a bitch to people. I mean i know i can come off that way still but now its playful(i hope i havent offended anyone). I really want to apologize if my unhappiness has brought you down at some point. I feel like the relationships that were lost from last year have some fault on my behalf. I was so unhappy, everything was annoying, and with this unhappy heart i think i drove away some of my relationships with people and for that i am sorry and sad. It was so hard for me to find joy in anything and nothing really mattered to me, but thank you to the friends who have stayed with me even thru whatever mess i was going thru. Ive also been doing Qt's and im currently reading the book of John. I never liked doing Qt's cause i felt like i never got anything out of it, but these past few Qt's have been such a blessing. Especially the last Qt that i did, it really made me want to give everything up to God and go where ever he leads me. I only hope that from here on out i continue to have this mentality. It feels good to have accountabily from my fellow recomm leaders, because of them i am doing Qt's as much as i can and reading the bible. I love them and i am thankful for them. I am very blessed to be surronded by the people i am surrounded with and to be where i am at this point as well. This feels good.

2010 for the win.

Happy New Years to all that do take time to read my blog that i try to update as much as possible. Resolutions are great to make but very hard to keep. For once my resolution this year wasnt to lose weight. There are far more important things going on in my life then having to worry about losing mass loads of weight. I no longer want to be a debbie downer on life. I will try to see the good things in the bad things that may happen to me. Lets be optimistic yes? The cup is half full rather than half empty and life doesnt suck all that much if you sit down and really think about it. I mean sure, shit happens, but what are you going to do about it if you just sit on your ass all day and just sulk about it. I learned that the hard way ofcourse. 2009 wasnt the best year for me, but by me being a total debbie downer about it didnt make anything better, it made me feel even worse. Thinking back on it now, it was a great learning experience. There will always be someone in a worse situation than myself. I want to be happy again, not just happy on the outside but to be really happy from the inside out. When people ask me how i am i want to be able to smile at them and say "im good" and really mean it. So what my academic life wasnt the best in 2009, like Aliyah said "dust yourself off and try again". I'm not dead yet, and that means i still have time to make right. If nursing is something i want to do, and yes it is something that i really want to do, then i will do it. I will do whatever it takes to be what i want to be, and yea it sucks that ill be in school forever but you take some and you lose some. There will always be bumps on the road of life, its up to you on how to approach that bump and move on. I woke up this morning the sunshine was shining i put on my happy face, im living im grateful, im breathing im thankful, i put on my happy face.