Uh-ohhh I think i'm addicted

No im not addicted to drugs, but addicted to buying things all the time. I get bored, i ask myself what i could possibly do to make time go by a little faster. Two things come to my mind usually..A) rent a movie and just vegggg out or B) go to the mall and just "eye shop" or go to Target and buy something "useful". I usually choose option B.. if i decide to go to target i make a checklist on things that i might need in the future..for example i may not need shampoo at the moment but it doesnt hurt buying some so you wont have to worry about it later... for some odd reason..i dont have to buy clothes or shoes to make me happy..buying shampoos, toothbruth, body wash, bday cards, random things at target satisfy my shopper needs just as much as if i went to mall and bought a new outfit. Although i dont need it..i just buy it..cause it makes me happy. Spending money on things make me happy. Im not even rich..that is the downfall. When im sad... i buy things to make me happy. Honestly, i cant help myslef. My reasoning behind this.. i'll pay it off..or im going to use it always..or i need it just because. If not target, then the mall.. my worst enemy but also my best friend...retail credit cards. I love Nordstrom... but worst thing to have... Nordstrom credit card. I go into Nordy and i see something i like...i have a war with my thoughts..to buy or not to buy...i usually fail miserably but i try to keep it within the budget but even then i shouldnt be buying anything. Another store i cant go home without visiting..Victoria's Secret..and i too have a credit card from them as well..im not even going go into detail how stuff i bought from there. I feel soooo weird leaving the mall without having bought anything...so i go looking for something to buy..nothing too expensive..maybe a shirt.. or makeup... thats my awful disease. I really need to stop........... my friend is having a bday dinner..and i have plenty of dresses at home..but i used her bday as an excuse to go buy another one... loving the dress..hating myself. I even thought about buying new heels to go with the dress.... wth is wrong with me??! Happy when i feel the shopping bags in my hand... super regrettful when i see my bills-___- I promise im not that much into debt...but i could have saved myself a couple hundred dollars worth of debt. I blame the stressful life i have to live. Stress = unhappy ashley = going out and about = target or mall = eye shopping = buying something "useful" = coming home happy = credit card bill = ohhhh effff = stress = same cycle.

All within a week.

This week was probably the longest week i've experienced in a while. I mean besides the fact that my summer anatomy class is taking over about 95% of my summer life..yea that sucks. Although it sucks major basketballs, its something i need to do since last sem. was a no go for me..im just gritting my teeth and counting down the days till its all over and done with. When i say its taking over 95% of my life, i mean..i havent been able to go to the gym since class started cause A) im either studying B) studying some more C) and sleeping. Although i've made some cool friends in my class, sometimes i just need to get awayyyyyyy. I've offically become out of shape due to my lack of daily gym time...and i have to do what i hate doing the most which is waking up early and getting ready for school. I've hurt my shoulder at work and now everytime i move it, i feel a sharp pain that runs thruout my body..it's almost been a week since it happened.. and still no relief. i've pulled an all nighter with my friends in hopes to get an A on one of the harder exams..and that was total FAIL! Having no sleep and staring at words is seriously a body killer, i felt sick the whole day..had no energy..and found out that instead of getting an A on my test..i ended up getting a C. OOOhhhh helllz, i should have just called it a day and followed my instincts and should have just gone to bed... But on the flip side, i suprisingly got a good grade on my Lab practicum the following day after the lecture exam.. So that put me in a better mood...especially since i didnt even try and just went with the flow of things and most importantly went to sleep instead of staying up till 3am studying... I dont know what i was thinking when i decided to take Ochem and anatomy toegther last sem..i was trippppen. It may seem possible for some people but for me that was by the most worst mistake i ever made in my life..never again. Take things slow..yes it may take longer then i would have wanted it too..but at least im looking out for myself and getting better grades than if i was cramming everything together...slow but safe.

To be or not to be.

As im sitting in my chair with my nose pack on my nose to dry, im at war with my thoughts. To be a leader for next year or not to be? I suck at praying so even though i want to pray about it, it never comes to me naturally so it pretty much never happens. How sad is that, I want to pray but it's one of the most hardest things for me to do-_-. Awful i know. So here's the deal, im going to be superrr busy next year. School is going to be the death of me, i still have math120...2 sem of foreign lang...physio...microbio..organic chem..and other nitty gritty classes that other colleges require in order for me to even apply...And the downfall, different schools require diff. classes so i dont even know where to start:( So for me to be a full time student and work because i have too and not because i want to and on top of that be a possible leader again?? I dont want to overfill my plate like i did last sem... that was hellish for me, i was the most unhappiest person in the world. I dont want to make the same mistake for the upcoming semesters again..that's only going to put me in an overworked rutt. And to not be a leader is soooo weird, i want to serve people, and i dont mind being a helping hand..leadership has grown on me where it has somewhat become a part of me that its almost painful to let go, but deep inside i know or feel that i have to let go. I feel like i have to let go in order to get my schooling back on tract and actually finish within a year without any disruptions or such and such. It sucks even more cause i dont know if i'll come back my senior year and possibly serve again.. That would mean that i would have only served one year out of my whole college stay in e-college... that sorta makes me sad. I love e-college i really do, its one ministry that has opened so many new doors spiritually and has given me a chance to grow. I dont know what to, situations like these kill my brain cell.

Have a little faith in me.

As I am writing my first blog, my mom is upstairs listening to BILLIE JEAN from her new MJ cd she bought yesterday. MJ may he rest in peace.



So, one of my biggest problems with my faith, isn't the fact that i don't believe in Him, its the fact that i dont trust Him with my all. Honestly its not because i dont want to, it's because its one of the hardest things to do. Ive grown up doing things on my own, I didnt really need to rely on anyone cause i got things done. From getting a job as soon as i got my driver's liscense, to paying my own bill (credit cards, cellphone, school, allowance blah blah blah.etc). Yes, when Ne-yo introduced his "Miss. Independent" song, i was like "ohhhh snaps heres my newest anthem". So how am I suppose to just give it all to Him?? Through every stressful time, i felt God telling me "Have faith in me", and yet i continued to just brush it off and try to figure out a way to fix the problem on my own. I'm just used to being independent, i can't help it. My life is getting more stressful as we speak, and I'm starting to feel the weight of this world on my shoulders. Im starting to realize that i alone can not conquer everything of this world, and that having faith in not only my own human strength but having faith in Hin will be the only way i can breathe once again.