Ain't it funny...

I MADE IT. No wait, i take that back. WE MADE IT! The people who have prayed for me countless times, the ones that rubbed my back when i cried over the stressful events in life, the people who have kept me accountable, the ones who reminded me that God is good in all circumstances...the day has finally come. Yes, I, Ashley Chin, has finally made it into nursing school. I am at lost for words most of the time, and to be quite honest, I still feel like I am dreaming. Thank you to everyone who has contributed to my success, without you i would probably have given up on my dreams and hopes. Although, i would like to think that my hard work payed off, it would be wrong of me to give myself all the glory and credit.

God, has taken me on a 3 year road trip. I must admit it was the longest, hardest, road trip. For 3 years all i did was work my butt off in school, doubt myself, have little to no faith in God, go into college depression, hate myself, cry, stress, worry, beat myself up, put myself down, found a reason to blame something or someone else for my failures, and never have i looked up to the cross once in my troubles and heartaches. Why it took 3 years? Who knows..... but although it was the hardest three years that i have ever faced, I am so glad that God has taken me on this trip of his. He's made me realize, without him there is nothing. No matter how hard you try, it doesnt mean anything unless you lift it up to God. This nursing entrance exam that i had to take in order to get into the nursing program was seriously the death of me. Because it scared me so much and because i wanted it so bad i was so scared to lose it. And through this it made me really turn to God and seek him and his help. Through that it made me realize that i put nursing on a huge pedestal and praised it more than i praised God. Well no shit sherlock, God is not down with that. I realized then and there what i have been doing wrong for the past three yrs...and then i prayed...God i LIFT UP EVERYTHING to you. And then and there God really gave me a peaceful heart about everything. Even if i didnt pass and God didnt have the nursing road planned for me, i was finally okay with it. I put all my faith in him, and whatever happened i trusted God to lead me the right direction, and even if it wasnt nursing I WAS GOING TO BE OKAY. The peace that God brought me through my studies and test time was truly a gift from God. Bottom line...i was okay. Even through i wanted it so bad, and even though this was the reason why i worked so hard, if God didnt give it to me i felt okay...

Funny how when you want something so bad and you work so hard for it, God doesnt give it to you. But when you finally go on your knees before him and lift everything up, he gives it to you so easily. I am laughing as i think back on my selfish ways and its soooo funny how God did all this to teach me this precious lesson. Although i tell myself i am strong and independent and my hard works wont always pay off as i thought it would all these years. You're missing the main ingredient, it isnt willpower, nor is it self motivation...you really really really need God. This summer has been an epic summer, i learned the most important lesson, God finally gave me what i wanted for long, and getting into nursing school feels that much better because now i know it was in God's plan all along....he was just waiting for me....God is GOOD.

People ask "how come your not happy you got into nursing school?". Dont get me wrong guys, i am soooooo ecstatic, words cannot express the feelings i feel. Just because i'm not jumping up and down and screaming my head off doesnt mean im not happy. I am so happy sooooo happy that i cant do anything about it...screaming and jumping up and down wont suffice. But, my happiness is shared with God. This feeling that i share with God cannot be expressed, and the only thing i can do is look up and smile. No matter how hard i studied for the exam, and all the times i sacrificed for studying doesnt mean anything anymore. I feel like God just gave it to me and all the hard work i did doesnt feel like anything. I feel like God just gave it to me on a silver platter.....i cant explain ittt! I share my deepest happiness and joy with God.

If all goes well, i start my first day of nursing school on Aug 30th. From here on out, i only want to study for God, and do everything for God....for without him i would not be here today. May i become the most selfless nurse out there, where my main goal is to only serve the lord and use the hospital as my mission field. God is so good, and my thankfulness is infinite.

It was as if God sat next to me and whispered everything in my ear..

Last Friday I decided to go to NEXT. I must say, its not that bad. Sure, I am the youngest, and everyone seems so old and over the hill, but I do like the mature atmosphere. Going to NEXT made me want to go to Holywave Sunday service, to give it shot. Something inside of me made me want to attend Holywave instead of Ecollege. Good thing I followed through on my urge because it was serious one of the most heart warming sermons I have ever heard in such a long time. It was one of those sermons that just get right inside you and make you feel all warm and fuzzy... it was as if God sat next to me and whispered everything in ear.... As creepy as that sounds, it was such a blessing moment for me. Pastor Dennis's sermon had to do with everything I was going through! So perfect it was incredible. POINT #1. Do not worry because God knows. I do nothing but worry, and how come I never thought about this fact??! Of course God knows, he knows everything about each and everyone of us, of course he knows about my worries and struggles! I felt so alone in this world with my struggles, but honestly....it felt so good to hear the words "God knows". After I heard this point, it was as if my stress was lifted, I don't need to worry, God already knows! "Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but gets you nowhere." POINT #2. Seek God's kingdom, focus on God, let him be the center of your life. Make room in your heart to seek God. Due to my worrying and wants of this world, my heart was completely occupied by the flesh and not the spirit. I had absolutely no room in my heart for God. This was exactly what I needed to hear, enough with the worrying because God has everything under control and time to clear out the trash in my heart and make room for the treasures. Time to truly seek the Kingdom and Him.

I had an "Aha!" moment.

I was in the shower, and I was thinking. Thinking about my life, where I am as a person, my goals, my future, my everything. Stressed as can be, I do nothing but worry about everything. Life, why is it so hard? Why does everything have to be like 10 times harder than everyone else's? When their lives on handed to them on a silver platter, I feel like I have to work extra hard. It's okay tho, because I have constantly told myself that I am stronger than the average bear and that when it comes to life, I can pretty much handle anything and everything that life may have to offer. But, if there is one thing that I constantly lose to, I would have to say that it's my thoughts with my nursing career. Why is it so hard? Why is God closing all these doors on me? Why is it taking so long for me to become a nurse? blah blah blah. Then it struck me, or shall I say, God struck me. All this time I worried about my life, and how I'm going to succeed thru only my own will power, never have I put God first. You can want something so badly and work your butt off for it, but if God isn't even part of it, then he will surely take it away. I guess I have to admit, Nursing > God. In a way it had become my idol, and as I think about it now, I think the reason why everything isn't working out for me is because God needs to be the center of it. Of course God wants to be my everything and yet here I am making my nursing goals my everything, of course he's going to take it away of course of course of course! So here I am, understanding fully of my sinful heart. God, I really want to lift this up to you. I have set such high goals and expectations of myself without even consulting with you about any of it. I pray and hope that nursing is something that you do have in store for me, but I will no longer put it before you. I hope to seek and find God in everything now...and with this, God first and nursing second. Whatever He says, goes.