White Flag.

I sit here, in my chair, surrounded by pages and pages of organic chemistry notes. I have a test at 12pm that covers 8 chapters and some of the chapters i had to teach myself. I can honestly say that i think/want to give up right about now. I feel like i have reached the end of the road and whatever happens..happens. I either need to jump off and trust in the Lord, or turn around and retrace my steps. But, i much rather jump off and let the Lord catch me. I've been struggling with my thoughts for too long now. I always seem to figure out the solution with my own willpower, and never leave it up to the Lord. God, I'm having such a hard time, and i trust that you will take care of me....right? I am so stressed ive been having scary dreams, sleep doesnt feel like sleep, i cant remeber the last time i got in a goodnights rest, everything i eat doesnt taste good and my digestive system doesnt seem to agree with it either. I feel so hopeless right now and it really kills me and my pride to know that i havent been able to keep my end of the bargain as a student and fufill all my studies. Do i give up to easily? But theres a point in your studies when you have reached your maximum potential and you know it. Everything you read stopped making sense and your non-existant A.D.D seems to kick in. I feel like a failure right now. Why does chem have to be so hard for me? Maybe nursing isnt for me?...

These Dreams...another one.

I had a dream that i witnessed a car accident and the man inside was trapped and couldnt escape. The car was leaking oil and he was screaming "i have to get out of here before the car blows up." I just stood there dumbstruck, and sure enough the car blew up right before my eyes. I saw the man catch on fire and scream and i didnt do anything about. Everything was so real, i even remember the car, it was a deep blue sedan. Why do i continue to dream these unpleasant dreams?

These Dreams...

Maybe because I've been stressed out to the max but I've been having some weird-ass dreams. And when i say weird......its like another level weird.

Ive had this one particular dream twice now, and it contradicts all my beliefs. I am a strong anti-smoker, i lost my dearly beloved grandpappy to lung cancer cause he was a heavy smoker for so many years. SO anything that has to do with smoking, count me out. I hate it when people around me smoke and i hate it when my friends smoke and i hate it when people are so inconsiderate to smoke anywhere and everywhere. Second hand smoke kills losers. But i digress. Anyways back to this dream of mine. I dream of me smoking cancer sticks all day errrday, and while im smoking....im totally loving every single puff of it. It makes me feel soooo good and i just cant seem to stop. This dream....i do not like. Why i have this dream...twice??! i really wish i knew that myself.

I had this dream last night. I dreamt i was in hollywood, but i was surrounded by cross-dressers and drag queens and papparazzi peeps were taking pics of them. This i remember so clearly, one guy was wearing a ruffly black short dress and wore black pumps but didnt even bother to shave his hairy man legs....i gagggged. Their makeup remimded me of Lady GAGA.... seriously the most randomest dream ever....its amazing what your mind can do.